Adult Diapers : Go Get Some !

The other day I peed in my pants and I was wondering where I could buy some Adult Diapers.  So I found a place on Etsy.  Cause I peed myself.  And I am proud to say it out loud.  Yelling out that I Yellowed myself.

I wish I could meet the male model who wore these Adult Diapers in the photograph because I would like to shake his hand and say “nice package … you remind me of a cute toddler adult film star”.   I think I saw this same fashion in the Flintstones cartoons back a few years ago.  Bam Bam had the dinosaur print version of these diapers, however.  I think the shop owner needs to branch out into providing fashion for those Chippendale dancers or the Thunder Down Under dancers… yeah, I know a lot about those male dance reviews….good thing I am married… to a woman … really I am ! 

I know that I should not be making fun of clothing for those with Adult Incontinence… it’s a very serious condition and I did not mean to stain it with my comments.  I don’t want to soil anyone’s opinion of these fine incontinence products.  I never meant to pooh-pooh the shop owner in any way.  The last thing I ever wanted to do was rain yellow on anyone’s parade.

Shop Name:  MumtazSoakers  
Link:  http://www.etsy.com/shop/MumtazSoakers?ref=pr_shop

Items for Sale:   Cloth Diaper Covers with Style...for babies and big big big babbies.

ETSY SELLING TIP # 9

Use as many Tag Words as possible

Tag Words are descriptive words that prospective buyers will enter as search terms to screen and find your artwork. You need to use the correct Tag Words so people can find your art subject easily. If you are painting a short naked white man, for example, then you would use the Tag Words “short”, “naked”, “white”, and “man”. I know this is complicated, so you may need to read this paragraph again.

It’s best if you can use as many Tag Words as possible… Etsy allows you to use up to 13 Tag Word entries… but you can actually fit in 2 or 3 words in a single Tag Word entry…so you may be able to get up to 30-40 Tag Words if you choose really short words …so you need to paint subjects that can be described with really short words.

So if you are painting animals, then you can forget the long named Hippopotamuses – that is much too long … you need to go with Dogs and Cats and Fish, okay? If you are interested in nature, you need paint the Sun, Moon and the Sky…but no Mountaintops, or Fountainheads. Flowers ? Don’t draw Chrysanthemums… draw a Rose instead.

If you are painting famed singers, you need to go with Cher, Bono, and Seal…but you cannot ever go with Engelbert Humperdinck, or even Enrique Iglesias, although he is quite the sexy beast. In fact they are both sexy animals…good thing I am married.

Keep it short, and cram in as many Tag Words as possible.

We Found Princess Leia ! Finally !

Yep, the same Princess from Star Wars fame.  Only she now exists in the Etsy world and she specializes in yummy baked desserts and fruit jellies !  She also creates out of this world crocheted items, so we can see that Princess Leia  continues to be the multi-talented dangerous figure that we knew from those galactic movies back in the day.

It looks like she moved from the planet Alderaan and has left the Imperial Senate to settle down in Minneapolis, Minnesota.  She may have put on a few years, but she looks as fetching as ever, as you can see by this recent photograph.  She has adopted reading glasses now, which likely limits her ability to pilot those X-wing star fighters. 

Rumor has it that she tried to hook up with Hans Solo a few years back, but met resistance from Hans’ daughter, Hope Solo, the goalie for the U.S. soccer team.  I also heard that Calista Flockhart and her had a real catfight back about 10 years ago and Calista apparently kicked her ass.   Lucky thing Leia did not whip out the light saber that she is rumored to carry around these days for protection against the paparazzi.

Shop:  ATemptingMorsel

Link:  http://www.etsy.com/shop/atemptingmorsel?ref=pr_shop_more

Items for Sale:  Baked Goods, Crochet Work, and sometimes amazing and sexy Star Wars items

ETSY SELLING TIP # 8

Use Fanciful Descriptions for your Artwork

You know that your artwork is not very good.    Your family knows that your artwork is not very good.  Every single one of your friends knows that your artwork is not very good.  Your family dog won’t even look at your artwork.

 BUT, the Etsy buying audience does not know…and they never will if you WRITE FANCIFUL DESCRIPTIONS of your artwork.

With imaginative descriptions of your art you can transform it  :

 A simple drawing of a cat sitting in a chair becomes “the elusive coiled feline provocateur reclines in waiting upon the chaise lounge as it contemplates its next deadly move”.

A bland watercolor painting of a dancing couple becomes “the tangled sensual interludes of two passing vessels of passion, of fancy, of fury… their embrace causing others to pause and wonder in awe”

A crappy oil painting of fruit in a bowl becomes “the nectar of life itself, the rainbow moist choices of vigor and taste, a selection of palatable pleasure and nuanced succulence”

Yeah you have to tell a few lies here… you know… pile on the bull.   Lay it down thick.  Paint a picture with words…tell a tale.  Twisted speech and tortured meanings. 

Don’t let the family dog down…he is depending on you !

Naked Finger Puppets: For Perverts

1.  Do you have a dirty mind ?   Do you enjoy a bit of naughtyness ?   Nakedness ? 

2.  Do you also like finger-puppets ?  
3.  How about hand-knit items ?

What if you could have all 3 at once ??   Now you can !
Our friends at KinkyCozies have filthy ragged dirty gutter minds and are happy to create objects that are truly kinky and downright bizarre.  We’ll have to check the criminal records of these folks… and then of course do a strip search and body cavity examination while we are so engaged. 

I want to take a tour of KinkyCozies’  home and see if I can uncover any skeletons in the closet…or any whips and chains, leather studded panties, bras with machine guns for nipples, etc.   I wonder if they subscribe to Time magazine…or Bondage magazine ?  Popular Mechanics magazine ? … or Popular Sex Toys Monthly ?   Do tell !

You HAVE  to scroll through the items at KinkyCozies… here is a partial list of the items for sale:
                Handmade Dirty Finger Puppets: 
                      "Submissive Male"                    
                      "Whip Me (  set of 2)"                                              
                       "Kinky Elderly Lesbian Couple"                   
                        "Naked Girl w/ handcuffs"

Collect them all !
They make great gifts for the kiddies !
Buy a few for Grandma and Grandpa !
Then wash your eyes and mouth out with soap and go to church you sinners !

Shop Name:  KinkyCozies

Link:  http://www.etsy.com/shop/KinkyCozies?ref=pr_shop

Items for Sale:   Hand-Knitted Dirty Finger Puppets….I’ll say it again in different words…
     Finger Puppets for Perverts !

ETSY SELLING TIP # 7

Produce art for the Wal Mart Shopper’s mind.


You must realize by now that Etsy is not really known for featuring a good number of original fine art pieces that sell for thousands of dollars. Let’s fact it…Etsy is really for selling COPIEs of original artwork that sells for $ 13.50. And not only that, but the original artwork that the copy is based on sells for $ 39.95.


This is not Sotheby’s or Christie’s people…PLEASE. This is more like Wendy’s or Arby’s… you know, much lower priced items for the common man that wants value and sometimes is willing to drive-through in his Suburu to get that value…of the Value Menu.
With that being said, you need to create artwork and crafts that will appeal to the common denominator. Your artwork needs to be broadcast, not narrowcast. So where does the common man shop ? Wal-Mart. Wal-Mart is the world’s largest company by sales and by number of employees and they sure as hell got something figured out right…they sell stuff that the common man wants… at a cheap-o price … dirt cheap.


YOU MUST CREATE ART for this Wal-Mart mind. So…Go to Wal-Mart… walk in…eat their hot dogs and chili-fries for lunch… walk amongst them… what are they wearing ? What do they smell like ? What are they thinking ? Get inside their heads…. There’s not much there ! Create artwork for the vacant minded…create artwork for the person who does not want to think very much at all.


Velvet Elvis ? DO IT !
Dogs playing cards ? DO IT !
Little kids dressed like farmers ? DO IT !

Holy Crap ! A Colon for Sale ?

Holy Crap !  This guy wants to sell you a Colon !  That’s right, that same part of the intestinal tract that results in a Stinky Poop !   Just when you thought you had seen it all ?  You see more.   Somehow we all think that this must be a joke, but it appears as if they are seriously selling a handmade fluffy stuffed animal type thing called the Colon-Pal.  

 Yes, the Colon-Pal.   Sounds kinda like Collin Powell, but in this case its not the former Secretary of Defense.  The Colon-Pal is more like the Secretary of the Offensive… as in offensive bodily function.


The Colon-Pal is cool, because I have encountered plenty of a**holes here and there… so the Colon-Pal will be my friend for sure.  After you buy the Colon-Pal, you should certainly go out and buy the Rectal-Roommate and the Sphincter-Finger… and the Hernia-Honey…and certainly the Bowel-Buddy.   By the name Colon-Pal, I guess they mean that you have a personal relationship with your poop shoot ?  They want you to be best friends with an organ that produces a lovely sculpture ?  Okay…I am in !  In deep sh** !

Shop:  MixedSpecies

Link:  http://www.etsy.com/people/mixedspecies?ref=ls_profile

Items for Sale :  T-Shirts, posters, other stuff...like Body Organ fluffy dolls ....

ETSY SELLING TIP # 6

Don’t Ever Post Art That YOU Like

Here is a selling tip that is certainly guaranteed to work.  Do NOT ever try to post and sell any work that you personally like.  Why ?  Because NO ONE ever buys any art or crafts that YOU personally like !  Right ? 

So, the trick is to only produce artwork and crafts that you personally HATE.  That’s right, create and post the stuff that you cannot stand to look at.  It will sell.  Hell, the stuff you like does not sell, right? !  Can I get an Amen ?

How to produce crappy artwork ?  You can simply search Google for “Crappy Artwork” and then imitate that style !  Or…Go to an introductory art class sponsored by Alcoholics Anonymous and copy their styles !  Or…Find a good Paint-By-Numbers book and sell that artwork when you are done !   Or…Go to the refrigerator and take down your 4-year-olds artwork to sell on Etsy !

Remember the rule:  
Produce crap that you don’t like and it will turn out that others will like it.

Tie-Died Men’s Underwear… Dude Pass the Bong !

Awesome Underwear !   Rainbow Colors !   Pass me a doobie !

I don’t see why Wal Mart and Target don’t pick up this fine line of men’s Tie-Died Underwear.   All they have to do is pipe in smooth Grateful Dead music through the speakers and have the Greeters pass out fresh pot brownies as you enter the store.  THEN everyone will be lining up to buy this colorful and comfortable fashion statement.  You’d have a whole store full of Jeff Spicoli's dancing in the aisles trying to put the Tie-Died Underwear on their heads like beanies. 

I believe that any fashion that is designed while super stoned has merit and I fully support “Made By Hippies” and I hope they ship me some free brownies and underwear for plugging their shop.  I’m tired of sexy fashion underwear and thongs and tightie whities…. I want underwear that stoners and hippies can stare at for hours on end like a Fantasia movie.  They really need to offer these undies  made from Hemp…then you could wear them and smoke them when done !   Dude, Where’s my Underwear ?  Let's torch one up !

Shop:  MadeByHippies


Link:  http://www.etsy.com/shop/madebyhippies?ref=pr_shop_more

Items:   Tie-Dye clothing, jewelry, and maybe some brownies or other munchies dudes !

ETSY SELLING TIP # 5

MAKE  YOUR  PROFILE  SOUND  REALLLLY INTERESTING

Etsy allows you to post a nice profile about yourself and this is the space where you need to let your imagination run wild.  Don’t profile yourself as “a housewife who is bored during the day and uses artwork as a hobby to keep busy while her dull husband works”….NO.   

Be creative and post a profile that is either (a) really exotic or (b) sadly pitiful.  

REALLY EXOTIC :

“I’m a fashion model here in Paris and I specialize in runway modeling and lacy lingerie advertisements.  In between fashion shoots, I paint landscapes to fill the loneliness in my heart.  You may think being a glamorous model in Europe is exotic and thrilling… but no, I often sit at the sidewalk cafes alone by myself and wish to find true love and happiness, but only find love in my art.   Please support my happiness and someday maybe we can meet on the Champs Elysees for coffee… or something more personal and intimate…like a long heated glance of love.”

REALLY PITIFUL :

“I’m a poor worm farmer from Idaho and I started drawing with mud and dirt as a child.   My new job as a janitor at downtown men’s  jail in Detroit is unappealing and dangerous, but my love of pastels and watercolors really allow me escape and explore my sophisticated side.  Please support my hobby, so I don’t end up having to leave my job here in Detroit to move back to Idaho, where the worm business has been ruined by the lack of rain… all the worms dried up and my mom and dad had to sell all my mud and dirt art to pay the bills”

A Tutu Made for Adults…My Mom will look so Sexy !

I finally know what to buy my mother for Mother’s Day !   Nothing says I Love You Mom like a Tutu made for adults !  Whenever Christmas rolls around and Mom watches the Nutcracker and she sees those dancers in their Tutus ?   Her eyes fill with tears and I know she wants to wear a Tutu too too.  

I just hope my Mom is as happy as the model here is… she does have a look of pure joy right ?  If you scroll down on my blog and look at the dog wearing the green Shrek hat, you may recognize this same expression.  I just hope the model is not doing the same thing that the dog is !  Ya know, "sculpting a masterpiece".

After I buy my Mom this Tutu, I’ll have to hunt around for some Extra Large Spiderman pajamas for my brothers…they’re both in the 30s now and really love those PJs with the back door flap that is held with two buttons…. 

I have to hand it to Ladycanendish… she does make some unique items… and that is a good thing !  She puts the GRRR in Girl...

SHOP:  ladycavendish

Link:  http://www.etsy.com/shop/ladycavendish?ref=pr_shop

Items:  Clothing, accessories, mini-paintings

ETSY SELLING TIP # 4

FAKE YOUR OWN DEATH 

We all know that artists become famous only AFTER they are dead.  So, to increase those Etsy sales dollars? Fake your own death.

You’ll have some explaining to do with the family …especially your Mom and Dad, but it will be worth the trouble. You may have to explain to your boss at work why your Obituary appears in the paper, complete with a photo of yourself and a link to your Etsy shop, but once again, it’s worth it.

Don’t feel guilty about it…many others have done it before and many will do it in the future. This is no time for a morality check…its time for an Etsy check… a cashiers check from an Etsy customer !
You must carefully plan how you will fake your death, and you’ll likely have to move to a different city and start a new life all over. But think of the big sales volume on Etsy ! Imagine getting the artistic credit that you deserve. Be like Van Gogh, who only became famous after his death… but DO IT WHILE YOU ARE STILL ALIVE. Life is short, so fake your own death to make a fistful of dollars!

Used Army Boots for Sale : FREE Unique Odor Included

I’ve always wanted to own someone’s used Army boots and now I have my chance !
Next I think I’ll shop for some used underwear and toothbrushes!

I know that vintage items are cool and I know that retro clothing and furniture and groovy hairdos are all the rage for the past few years.   I also know that various embarrassing foot diseases are spread by wearing someone else’s smelly old shoes.  If I do buy these boots, I’ll make sure to buy a package of feet condoms so I can wear the boots with confidence and protection. 

My mom will be so proud of me when I pull up in my new BMW, clean pressed shirt, and used Army boots.   I said Left, Right, Left, Right, Left…my feet smell like dead fish… Left, Right, Left.

 But seriously…this shop has some cool vintage stuff… check it out ! 

Shop Name:  MetropolisNYCVintage
Link:   http://www.etsy.com/shop/MetropolisNYCVintage?ref=pr_shop_more
Items for Sale:   Vintage clothing...foot condoms will be added soon

ETSY SELLING TIP # 3

COPY FAMOUS WORKS OF ART

When you plan on painting or creating a new work of art for Etsy, you need to toss out those original ideas and focus on simply copying famous works of art.  Simply reproduce those famous works by Picasso, Rembrandt, Matisse and other famous artists…copy them exactly and closely.  Your copies of original artwork will “look really familiar” to the common man or woman who browses Etsy.   We all know that familiarity leads to comfort and comfort leads to a pleasing feeling and a pleasing feeling leads to a sale!   Etsy is filled with browsers who have little in-depth knowledge of the art world and you can really fool them with your “original paintings” or drawings. 

Here is an example:   Paint a forgery of the Mona Lisa by Leonardo da Vinci.  Post it on Etsy as you own original painting, and pretty soon you’ll have half a dozen middle school educated housewives from Arkansas saying “Hey, that is a really nice painting…it looks kinda familiar… I feel comfortable looking at that painting…gosh it sure pleases me…I think I’ll buy it.”   Bingo—a sale ! 

If you don’t have the time to actually forge the painting with canvas and brush, you can simply photograph those famous works of art and post them on Etsy as “paintings”… you just have to make sure you describe your painting techniques as using very very very very very thin layers of paint…    Middle America will never know !

Baby for Sale on Etsy : Mother desperate for money !

I was totally shocked and appalled when I found out that this poor mother would actually SELL her beautiful baby on Etsy !   I mean come on now, we all know that the economy is down and unemployment is up… but to sell your own flesh and blood is beyond human reason !   What are we here?  Barbarians?  Scoundrels?  Democrats?

We cannot have this… I am reporting this to the Etsy Police as soon as I finish this posting !  Maybe they’ll send out one of those really cool Etsy Police vans with bars on the windows and they’ll haul this horrible mother right to jail !  Etsy Jail !  Pretty soon she’ll be knitting clothing for the warden ! 

Please join me in my quest to STOP THE SALES OF BABIES ON ETSY !   Now, I don’t have a problem with selling fully grown children of course, but not those cute little babies !

Shop name:  Bonbonland

Link:   http://www.etsy.com/people/bonbonLand

Items for Sale:  One Baby and lots of baby clothing .... but don't forget the BABY !  Save the Baby !

ETSY SELLING TIP # 2

USE TINY SIZED
PHOTOGRAPHS OF YOUR WORK

I’m sure you’ve already read that you need to take appropriate and appealing photographs or scans of your artwork or crafts before you post them on Etsy.  What you really need to do is post the smallest photograph possible without being microscopic.  Posting a small photograph ensures that you don’t reveal any negative details about your work that may turn away buyers, such as lack of artistic talent, flaws (screw-ups) in your craftwork, and other such unpleasantries. 

Let your buyers use their own vivid imagination when viewing your photos of your artwork.  Don’t sweat the details- let the buyer guess the details !  Make them use a magnifying glass up against their computers to keep them on their toes !  


If you do choose to post a larger photograph or scan of your artwork or craft, then use a filter or digital method to really blur those images and make them all fuzzy and dreamy, like they did in those old Audry Hepburn and Elizabeth Taylor movies.  Lull your buyers into a dream and maybe they will buy !

Doggie Hat Store: Featuring Angry Killer Dog

Etsy shop name:   Sweethoots        
link:  http://www.etsy.com/shop/Sweethoots?ref=pr_shop_more
Items for sale:   Doggie hats, owl themed pillows, crocheted critters.


Here is a little dog that looks like he is either really angry about having to wear this hand-made Skrek hat...or he is laying a big poo poo to get revenge for having to wear the afore mentioned hat.  I think he's making a doggie sculpture for sure.


This little bulldog is an unwilling model in this fashion show, and it appears as if he is in various poses of relieving himself in most of the photos on this shop.   I think he is wishing that he was born a big hairy German Shephard so he could take a piece of his master's leg for lunch.   Down boy, down !

This Etsy site is really awful ....

I just came across this awful Etsy site today and I must say it really stinks !     Hey wait a minute, this is actually my own Etsy site...but yes it really smells like wet dog.  I'll certainly be posting more wild and crazy Etsy sites as I come across them in my drunken stupor.  Enjoy the blog !


Etsy site:   jrowe100
Link:   http://www.etsy.com/shop/jrowe100?ref=pr_shop_more
Content:   Things that 6 year old kids might find attractive.

ETSY SELLING TIP # 1

USE  STIMULATING  TAG  WORDS:


Use Tag words that will attract those people seeking “stimulating  types of artwork”.   Those people are also known as perverts, weirdos,  and weasels.   I find that using Tag words that conjure up visually appealing images are very agreeable to driving traffic to my artwork.  

Try using Tag words like Girl, Woman, Female, Bikini, Nude, Nude Bikini, See-Through-Teddie, Tattooed Hooker , etc … these are sure ways to pull in traffic.   It does not matter if you are actually painting dogs, cats, boats, or grandmothers…just use those appealing Tag words to pull that traffic in! 

If you can’t sell any artwork this way, you may at least get a date.  Or a stalker.   Other examples of Tag words that may work include Legs, Thighs, Lady Lumps and Baby’s Got Back.

About EtsyCrazy...

Welcome to EtsyCrazy.

I'll be showcasing some of the bizarre and wacked out Etsy accounts that exist, as well as add commentary and humor as it hits my brain.  As long as I keep the alcohol flowing, this should be a success.

We all know that Etsy is a torture device for those who try to sell there.  It is punishment for something that we did wrong as children.

Return often, as I will be updating this Blog as often as I can.  Or not.  Okay, maybe.

Jesse Rowe